Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Job titles
In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:
*******
Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
*******
House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager
*******
Typist - Printed Document Handler
*******
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
*******
Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician
*******
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
*******
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians
*******
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
*******
Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator
*******
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
*******
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
*******
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
*******
Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator
*******
Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist
*******
*******
Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
*******
House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager
*******
Typist - Printed Document Handler
*******
Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer
*******
Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician
*******
Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer
*******
Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians
*******
Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer
*******
Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator
*******
Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer
*******
Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist
*******
Cook - Food Preparation Officer
*******
Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator
*******
Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist
*******
Send Men Immediately
A Lady Rector of a Ladies hostel was fond of using English language though she was not good in English.
She was also fond of using very small sentenses to communicate. Always in hurry she used to creat lots if funny situations.
Once the electricity of her ladies hostel went off at midnight that too during the examination season. She immediately contacted electricity board's complaints office over phone and placed instant demand saying. " Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."
She was also fond of using very small sentenses to communicate. Always in hurry she used to creat lots if funny situations.
Once the electricity of her ladies hostel went off at midnight that too during the examination season. She immediately contacted electricity board's complaints office over phone and placed instant demand saying. " Lights gone in our ladies hostel. Send Men immediately. Girls using candles."
Send it to your boss
People who do lots of work...
Make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
Make less mistakes
People who do no work...
Make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
Gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time
Sending e-mails & playing games at work , I need a promotion.
**********
Make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
Make less mistakes
People who do no work...
Make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
Gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time
Sending e-mails & playing games at work , I need a promotion.
**********
Wasted Suicide
A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."
The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."
The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."
Peg after peg
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... Like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep
It in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again,
I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take Risk ...
*******
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... Like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep
It in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again,
I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take Risk ...
*******
Seat
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
Please tell me "WHY"
WHY (can anyone give the answers)
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
A DRUNK ON THE BUS
A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.
He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.
Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.
In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.
"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,
"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"
He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.
Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.
In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.
A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.
"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,
"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"
Top 10 Most Stupid Questions
Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :
1.) At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....
Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
******
2.) In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
******
3.) At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?
******
4.) At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
******
5.) At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question :- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
******
6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
******
7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or
Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.
******
8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
******
9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.
******
10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
******
1.) At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....
Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
******
2.) In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
******
3.) At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?
******
4.) At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
******
5.) At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question :- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
******
6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
******
7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or
Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.
******
8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
******
9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.
******
10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
******
Hanging baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
How Girlz rate Guyz?
Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves.
It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.
Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:
********
% just a friend %
Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Rahul, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"
Rahul: "Where are you going Shilpa??"
Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph! ).
********
% Good Friend %
You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.
Rahul calls: "Hi Shilpa",
Shilpa: "Hi Rahul. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"
(Shilpa calls back after two days)
Shilpa: "What do you want Rahul? Why did you call that day?".
Rahul: "Generally".
Shilpa: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."
Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.
********
% Very good friend %
Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.
She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.
Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.
Shilpa: "You know Rahul, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".
Rahul: "Who is Shekhar??"
Shilpa : "My boyfriend."
Rahul: Oh! Ok. :-(
********
It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.
Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:
********
% just a friend %
Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Rahul, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"
Rahul: "Where are you going Shilpa??"
Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph! ).
********
% Good Friend %
You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.
Rahul calls: "Hi Shilpa",
Shilpa: "Hi Rahul. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"
(Shilpa calls back after two days)
Shilpa: "What do you want Rahul? Why did you call that day?".
Rahul: "Generally".
Shilpa: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."
Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.
********
% Very good friend %
Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.
She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.
Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.
Shilpa: "You know Rahul, Shekhar is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".
Rahul: "Who is Shekhar??"
Shilpa : "My boyfriend."
Rahul: Oh! Ok. :-(
********
300%
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Get Daily Joke? www.myfunmela.blogspot.com
For ur eyes only
For ur eyes only
Eyes Are the most complex organs you possess except
for your brain.
Eyes Are composed of more than two million working
parts.
Eyes Can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.
Eyes Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a
candle at a distance of 14 miles.
Eyes Contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.
Eyes Utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.
Eyes Can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of
muscles and organs in your body.
Eyes In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million
images of the world around you.
Eyes The external muscles that move the eyes are the
strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they
have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they
need to be.
Eyes The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in
diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is
exposed -- the front portion.
Eyes The eye is the only part of the human body that can
function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night,
without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles
of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes
requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves
"never" need rest. But please rest them!
Eyes Eyes are your most precious sense... care for them
properly!
******
Eyes Are the most complex organs you possess except
for your brain.
Eyes Are composed of more than two million working
parts.
Eyes Can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.
Eyes Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a
candle at a distance of 14 miles.
Eyes Contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.
Eyes Utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.
Eyes Can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of
muscles and organs in your body.
Eyes In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million
images of the world around you.
Eyes The external muscles that move the eyes are the
strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they
have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they
need to be.
Eyes The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in
diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is
exposed -- the front portion.
Eyes The eye is the only part of the human body that can
function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night,
without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles
of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes
requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves
"never" need rest. But please rest them!
Eyes Eyes are your most precious sense... care for them
properly!
******
Friend Like...........!!!
A good friend is like a good bra.
Hard to find very comfortable supportive holds u up when r down & always close to the heart.
Good day dear bra..
Hard to find very comfortable supportive holds u up when r down & always close to the heart.
Good day dear bra..
Talwaar aur Salwaar
Talwaar aur Salwaar
Talwaar aur Salwaar mein kya samaanta hai ?
Dono hi ke khulne par Aadmi ghayal ho jata hai !!
............ ......... ..................... ...
Talwaar aur Salwaar mein kya samaanta hai ?
Dono hi ke khulne par Aadmi ghayal ho jata hai !!
............ ......... ..................... ...
Telephonic assistance is on its way!
Most of us have now learned to live with automated telephony as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the god decided to install it?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/ and all the rest.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For Arabic press 3
For all other languages press 4
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)
Press 5 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
Jehovah (Jewish) press 1
Jehovah (RC) press 2
Jehovah (Anglican) press 3
Jehovah (OPD) press 4
Allah (Sunni) press 5
Allah (Shia) press 6
E-meter press 7
Other deities press 8
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/ Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/ Paradise/ Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/ shaman/conman/witch doctor.
Thank you and have a nirvanaly day.
************
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Jehovah/Allah/ and all the rest.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For Arabic press 3
For all other languages press 4
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for Virgins website (mobile phones only)
Press 5 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
Jehovah (Jewish) press 1
Jehovah (RC) press 2
Jehovah (Anglican) press 3
Jehovah (OPD) press 4
Allah (Sunni) press 5
Allah (Shia) press 6
E-meter press 7
Other deities press 8
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven/Paradise/ Nirvana/Sheol press 9, then enter his social security number followed by the $ sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to Heaven/Nirvana/ Paradise/ Sheol, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about gods, dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor/imam/ shaman/conman/witch doctor.
Thank you and have a nirvanaly day.
************
The Second Opinion
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
Naughy joke
PAHALE HAATH MEIN LO
FIR SEEDHA KARO
FIR THOOK LAGAO
FIR ANDAR GHUSAO
TIGHT HAI NAHI GAYA?
FIR THOOK LAGAO
Internet v/s God
1] God knows everything. Internet knows everything.
2] God can't be seen, only its effect can be. Internet can't be seen, only its effect can be.
3] God is everywhere. Nowadays Internet is also everywhere.
4] Pursuit of God needs time/money/dedicati on. Same with Internet.
CONCLUSION: Internet is God!
************
2] God can't be seen, only its effect can be. Internet can't be seen, only its effect can be.
3] God is everywhere. Nowadays Internet is also everywhere.
4] Pursuit of God needs time/money/dedicati on. Same with Internet.
CONCLUSION: Internet is God!
************
Monday, March 23, 2009
Money Back
Two deaf guys are trying to buy some condoms, but the pharmacist does not read sign.
Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.
Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.
The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.
The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.
The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."
Frustrated they go outside to figure out a way to make him understand what they want.
Finally one of the guys gets an idea, goes into the pharmacy, whips out his member and lays his money beside it on the counter.
The pharmacist looks around to make sure no other customers are in the store, whips out his member and takes the money.
The guy goes out and signs the event to his friend.The friend goes in to the pharmacy and comes out about five minutes later.
The first guy signs asking if he got the condoms.The second guy signs back, "No, but I got your money back."
Boss Kidnapped
Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are inloud discussions during office time.....
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happenedto a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?
""Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going todouse him with petrol and set him on fire.Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happenedto a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?
""Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going todouse him with petrol and set him on fire.We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?..................
"About 1 litre."
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happenedto a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?
""Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going todouse him with petrol and set him on fire.Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happenedto a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?
""Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going todouse him with petrol and set him on fire.We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?..................
"About 1 litre."
Cute Questions asked by Kids
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*******
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*******
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*******
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*******
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*******
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*******
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*******
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
*******
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." *******
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
*******
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child."No," said another, "he's just for good luck."A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...
*******
Wife was cheating
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
HIS DIARY V/S HER DIARY
Here is good example of Diff between Men and Women..... Her Diary
******* Day night, I thought he was acting
Weird. We had made
Plans to meet at a
Cafe to have some coffee. I was
Shopping with my friends
All day long, so I
Thought he was upset at the fact that I
Was a bit late,
But he made no
Comment.Conversatio n wasn't flowing so
I suggested that
We go somewhere
Quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
He kept quiet and
Absent.I asked
Him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if
It was my fault
That he was upset. He said it had
Nothing to do with me
And not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved
Him, he simply
Smiled and kept
Driving. I can't explain his
Behavior; I don't know
Why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."When we got home I felt
As if I had lost
Him, as if he
Wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat
There and watched TV.;
He seemed distant and absent.Finally I
Decided to go to
Bed. About 10
Minutes later he came to bed. I decided
That I could not
Take it anymore,
So I decided to confront him with the
Situation but he
Had fallen asleep.I Started crying and cried
Until I too Fell asleep. I
Don't know what to
Do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
Are with someone
Else. My life is a
Disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
Now read His diary
*******
Today India lost the cricket match
Against England at Mumbai.
DAMN IT. ******* NOW that's called , Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women :)
******
******* Day night, I thought he was acting
Weird. We had made
Plans to meet at a
Cafe to have some coffee. I was
Shopping with my friends
All day long, so I
Thought he was upset at the fact that I
Was a bit late,
But he made no
Comment.Conversatio n wasn't flowing so
I suggested that
We go somewhere
Quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
He kept quiet and
Absent.I asked
Him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if
It was my fault
That he was upset. He said it had
Nothing to do with me
And not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved
Him, he simply
Smiled and kept
Driving. I can't explain his
Behavior; I don't know
Why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."When we got home I felt
As if I had lost
Him, as if he
Wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat
There and watched TV.;
He seemed distant and absent.Finally I
Decided to go to
Bed. About 10
Minutes later he came to bed. I decided
That I could not
Take it anymore,
So I decided to confront him with the
Situation but he
Had fallen asleep.I Started crying and cried
Until I too Fell asleep. I
Don't know what to
Do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
Are with someone
Else. My life is a
Disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
Now read His diary
*******
Today India lost the cricket match
Against England at Mumbai.
DAMN IT. ******* NOW that's called , Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women :)
******
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Life Before Computers................!
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!
**********
English bashing
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present..
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
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